To my beloved aunt

when u have someone special u always seemed to fall back and not take that person's word for granted; you dunno that you may just lose her instantaneously.

Dear Arwah Cik La,

For the start of the year, everything went well for me. I attended the greatest gathering after a fall of more that ten years. My close knit family by your side held their annual gathering and it was a great whole gathering. It was to be the last planned by my uncle. The next annual gathering has beenofficially transferred to us, the cuzzies. Unknown to us all, the gathering was the last 'permintaan' of yours truly. . The first your kid's joined us after the long years and the last of you,Arwah's presence.

How could we have missed your pain when all smiles were present in you. How could i rid off suspicions of your actions to provide me a box full of bottles, pacifiers, baby clothes all sponsored by you to arrive so early in my preggie weeks. Of course i was a bit suspicious that it came too early, Why not hand it to me in April? but God's will i brushed it off and thought too well that maybe it's because you do not want me to waste my money getting the things you have..and to stop imagining things... Unkown to us, you had it all plannd out till the end so that you did not leave behind empty gaps and suspisions that you may knew you would not live long, but to cherish the times you had with us all, and us with you.

You were diagnosed with a sickness the doc could not clarify in the early weeks of Feb,Itu pun you hid yourself in the hospital durin your first 2 days with the whole family uncaught by the pain you suffered.

You did not want us to worry of you. Mom being your sister sensed something was wrong and you were unable to hid the truth of your presence in hospital. Every day, mom made her way to TTSH and braved the traffic and consuming time of the trip foryou, her beloved. She had no complains because she loved you. We loved you. I am so sorry I came ocassionally and was always chased away by you and our loved ones because the doctors suspected that you could have lung infection or TB. Cikla being you, you made your decision to leave the hospital even before your recovery. i am sorry you had to withstand the pain to have a big tube punctured on your right back to have the liquid drained out.

We visited you during the weekends after you left hospital to make sure you are alright. Your condition was not well. with an oxygen tank machine to help support you breathing, It left me a great pain Above it all you still managed to passed me a gift. Something that was brought down from mom to you and to my baby.. and thank you for the gift you left for my baby eventhough i was getting scared of why u left the gift so much earlier to me and talked of wasiat and things.

Valentine's was meant to be special for loved ones. But on the eve, you were diagnosed that the lungs are really not in gd condition. You refused again to heed the Dr's advise and went home so that you can spend your son's birthday with him which was coming soon. At least this time you told us the truth then to hid it behind us.I was left crying till i slept and i was becoming real scared of losing you.

While everyone was looking forward to their long weekends,The start of Saturday morning, i received mom's call that you were in SICU. It was a day afetr your son's birthday. I still remembered that i jumped out of bed and called my cuzzie and i had to calmly break the news to Pak Busu and Pak Pak Ucen, who have histories of High blood pressure. My family and i left home at a haste and rushed to Tan Tock Seng where all of us met the rest. You suffered a heart attack which left us wondering. You never had histories of Heart attack. It was a miracle how you fought back and jumped to consciousness that day. As i was preggie i was kept out of bound to enter SICU.

Being there, i was already told to go home because hospitals a full of germs and everyone was bickering at me. I became helpless and listened to them. I left home crying because i wish i could be by your side. Pak Busu called me and told me u were back to normal and is conscious after Asar. i guessed my prayers were answered, Insyallah. I cam back again in the veneing with Hedir.Even after your consciousness I was left to stay away from you. I did attempt to visit you but the closest i got, was seperated by a glassdoor, in the SICU ward. i could see you wave up and down but i just could not figure out whther you were caling me or waving me or asking me to leave and everytime i found the courage to enter you room and ignored your condition, i was stopped by the doctor needing to examine you, the nurse checking you and monitoring you, there were already guests in the room and all. It was as if i was destined to be away from you.

That very next day while you were conscious , everyone told me to stay away and i promised myself that if you were transferred to a normal ward, i shall fight back to see you. That day never came. Your consciousness was not long. it lasted less than 48 hours.

At 1am on Monday you was sedated as her condition worsened. I was told that you were semi conscious with a heartbeat from 150-188. I ignored my health from the radiations of the machines.. to hold you and why are you cold? you were crying but were were not there. Why. I loved you. You left the world with a smile and I never came to feel glad that at least I had remembered you as my best aunt not any less and how you had thoughtfully thought of us and my condition.

Your wish to see your grandchild was never met. You came short to 47 and even shorter to see my baby. I thank you for being one of the strength to pull me through and lead my life with your example of life.

I may have not got to really feel you when you were really sick but deep inside i guess it happened for a reason as to why you kept me away. Maybe Allah may have heard your prayers to keep me away from you radiation machines andyour pneumonia like you had earlier warned me that should you come realy sick i shall not visit you, but i am so sorry i did not heed your advise the last two days. i just can never bring much courage to leave you but to love you more. Your love are my memories i share with my kids and of course to Hedir. he may have known you this short while but we are too inspired of you. You made yourself a gd example of a great sis, parent, aunt, mother and most importantly you.You are my Special aunt.

insyallah We will doa that you are in Heaven, our family, hedir and me. my heart ha left with just memories of you now. Life was too chort for us to enjoy your presnce but 24 yrs with you, you had neved laid a rattan, scolded us or even at a brink of gorging your eyes at us. It was how you always kept us with love care and concern and I had never see you being angry or way off your mood. There was never anger in your eyes.

To my friends, i left to be by my aunt's side i'm sorry i could not join you guys for the picnic and thanks for your understanding.